DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in anger and frustration, so the diction and tone of this piece may come across as crude and offensive. Get OVER it. For those who think this reveals "too much" about me, click the X and go about your business. Lastly, for those who decide to judge me off of the content in this blog, there are special pockets in Hell for you to rot in. Now onto business...
2009 has been the year of disappointments and harsh struggles for me. In August 2008 I had a 3.44 GPA, an apartment, a job, mental peace, and I earned an officer position in an organization on campus. I went into the academic year ready to knock my goals out of the park and graduate in December 09. Ever since the first day of classes everything has went downhill. All of that which I've listed is GONE. Graduation is now May 2010, I've been unemployed for 2 months, I broke my lease since someone decided to burglarize the joint 30 minutes after I leave one night, the GPA is a 2.97, and I've been in counseling since October with SOME progress.
I've been a Christian all of my life, but I re-established my relationship with God in February. I felt like I was finally achieving some peace. Then my roommate bailed out on the apt and owes me 2 grand (I've attempted to sue her but she gave me the wrong address. Until I get some more money to pay for court fees the lawsuit has to wait). Two weeks after she leaves my apartment was broken into and the person stole the laptop and wireless router and left everything else untouched. I moved back home into a hostile environment while paying 2 grand in bills and rent by myself. I was stressed beyond reason along with dealing with a toxic man who continued the trend of disrespect I've experienced from males. Not being able to handle it all I withdrew from school for the rest of the semester still holding on to hopes that I can do summer school and graduate in 09. FAIL. I needed 1250 to pay for the rest and couldn't get it. On top of that I got fired from that raggedy *ss call center job and was left job hunting all summer.
Like WTF?! There has NEVER been a time in my working life where I would apply somewhere and NOT get considered. How do I apply for over 15 positions in my area and not get hired by ANY?! I even had worked for that company before and left on the best of terms, you mean to tell me I can't work for you?! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?! I've been broke all summer with the exception of a few dollars lent to me by the mother, I CANNOT continue to live like this! On top of that my mom is downsizing her living expenses....in other words...I'm getting put out of the house. I have 3 weeks to find a job and a place to stay so I can get back on the grind and graduate smoothly and by the looks of things this is not gonna happen. Both of my parents are struggling themselves so I can't really depend on them for support.
I feel like I'm watching the straw fall on the camel's back. I see why people are so high strung now, they're stressed! If I was a bit weaker I wouldve snapped a long time ago...but if things keep going like this I just might. I've been encouraging myself (hence the facebook statuses and positive tweets among other things) and it seems to not work. Its like I'm getting frustrated with God. Naw don't say I shouldn't say that I'm being completely HONEST right now. I've been praying, reading the Word, meditating on it and keeping up the faith but I'm seeing/feeling NO results from it. What am I doing wrong? I don't mean to rush You but exactly WHEN will I start reaping the benefits of knowing You?! I don't want to be mad with God but I'm starting to feel like this whole thing might be purposeless. If I've done something/someone wrong PLEASE point it out so that I can correct it and get my life back. I'm one more denied application from losing it, where is my help? I've been trying to fend for myself for the longest and nothing is working in my favor. Maybe some of you seasoned Christians can help me see things past my frustration because I'm losing hope that anything positive will turn up of my circumstances.
Again I say, WTF is going on?!
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I've been there, and though everything you're thinking. Its hard, and rough, when you're trying to have faith and everything is telling you not to. I can't give you religious advice because my relationship with God is so shaky right now, so I'll leave that for someone else. But don't stop looking. I worked at the WORST job for 6 months before I got this job, and worked part-time jobs and volunteered before that. Its a struggle. But don't stop. I use to ally to tens of jobs PER DAY...jobs I wasn't qualified for, jobs I was over qualified for, and everything in between.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up, use your resources, and keep your head up. You're going to cry, and question "why you" but don't stop going after what you want. Sometimes you have to take a few steps backwards before you can leap forward :]
Well, like moxie_b, my own relationship with God is also in the growth process, but last week at church, the sermon dealth with this issue, so I want to pass on a little bit of what I learned that Sunday, and hopefully it can encourage you the way it encouraged me.
ReplyDeleteLuke 18:1 "And he spake a parable unto them to this end; that men ought always to pray, and not to faint"
Phillipians 4:6-7 "Therefore be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ."
Two major points that I personally struggle with are remembering that just because it SEEMS like God isn't moving right now, His timing is always perfect and he knows what you need and that the key is constant prayer and faith [the one I'm working on the most].
The last thing is to always keep it P.U.S.H.ing ==> Pray Until Something Happens :-)
Hey Lo,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that things are there for you right now. All I know is that no matter how bad things get, you gotta keep going. I was where you are now a year ago or so. And then somehow, one good thing happened. Then another good thing happened. All of a sudden now, things are looking up for me. Just keep moving forward, keep trying and eventually things will get better. As for God, he won't let you drown, even though at times it'll seem like that. I hope things get better for you ASAP!! I'll pray for you.
Carlos
thanks everyone! i will keep your advice and words of encouragement in mind :)
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