[taken from my Twitter page]
Can I talk my ish for a minute folks? I mean, can I reflect with yall real quick?
Yall know I have an overactive brain...so you know for the past few days I've been doing some thinking and re-evaluating about life...And while I am turned off to the XY folks, I want to say that all of them aren't bad people and are not dogs. Its safe (and truthful) to say that i'm a woman scorned....and instead of adding 2 the cycle of hurt people hurting others I'm staying 2 myself. Its so many ufcked up individuals going around taking their pain out on those who are happy with life and its not fair. Its like they spot the happy folks, use their disguised pain as a speed trap...then take themselves to a new victim. If you're not aware of the games people play then you can fall victim to it too. It can become a cycle...a spiritually deadly one. Unhappy people are at war with EVERYONE and will do ANYTHING to increase their army...be it abuse, STDs, lies, deceit. You Can't Lose. DON'T lose. Each day that goes by that you do not improve and protect yourself from them...a part of your spirit dies. You must remove their venom from your body before it gets to your vital organs; let misery find someone else for company. It is these unhappy people (and those who havent sought treatment for their misfortune) who fuel these generational curses...giving our future generations the same "death" sentence if not worse because we'd rather live with it "quietly" than face it and eliminate it. STOP IT!
To my Unhappy Folk:
You LOSE. You lost before you even began fighting. You will not find solace in my comradery in this war against everything happy because I WILL NOT JOIN YOU. You may not want to live anymore...but YOU WON'T take me down with you. While I wish you would reclaim your life, if you want to hurt do it on your own...by yourself. Let my life...my spirit...my resiliency be great. Leave me alone, I speak victory over myself...you.will.not.get.me. Unhappy folk...when will you realize that no matter how many people you bring into your misery you STILL FEEL ALONE?! Therefore...you lose. You've been a loser...and until you acknowledge the lack of basis in your "fight" you will STAY a loser.
Whew...I almost forgot who I am, what I'm made of, and WHOSE I am. Ha...not this time...and not anytime soon.
I know I'm not the only one fighting off the painful folks...that's why I'm saying what I'm saying here. I've dealt with too much this past year....depression, abuse, deceit, battered self worth, disrespect of self and from others...I'm NOT GOING BACK. I'm not holding it in anymore, SOMEONE needs to hear my story...see my progress...to know they arent ALONE. I'm on some warrior isht....my victory flag BEEN waving at the top...I just need to get there to grasp it. I've always been determined to get what I want...but if I didn't learn anything these past few years I know that if I'm going to strive in this world im gonna have to FIGHT my way through it.
I realize through the friendship of some of my male friends that there are still MEN around, and while I am boycotting the male species for a while the ones who are not only living up to the title of "man" but exceeding it should be acknowledged and appreciated.
Big ups to the KINGS who are constantly building the worth of their crown and what resides under the crown.
Big ups to the KINGS who acknowledge the ripple effect of their actions and govern themselves accordingly.
Big ups to the KINGS who protect and defend the honor of the women closest to them AT ALL COSTS.
Big ups to the KINGS who serve as accountability partners for their male friends, letting them know that their reckless behavior is not excusable by the lack of a wedding band or a relationship.
Big ups to my QUEENS who know that they aren't broken glass in Tiffany boxes....keep fighting the good fight.
Big ups to my QUEENS who do not bow to the temptation of instant gratification and keep their dignity in constant consideration.
Big ups to my QUEENS who provide themselves as a support system to the kings...even if it goes ignored or refused.
Big ups to my QUEENS who know there is something better for themselves and will discard of those who choose to disagree with her standards.
And big ups to my KINGS and QUEENS wiping the soot off of their prisms to let Light shine through it .
I love you all...especially those who have a firm grasp on their worth and morals. For those who don't I still love you...you'll come around. Giving up on your morals will do nothing but dig yourself into a deeper hole that you're already struggling to get out of. If nobody else will tell you the truth, I WILL. I meant everything I said in this note. Making someone else feel your pain WILL NOT get rid of yours, so just stop. Regain control over your life, your happiness, and for God's sake PLEASE STOP INFLICTING MENTAL/PHYSICAL/EMOTIONAL PAIN ONTO OTHERS. If you have a problem or know someone who does...please DONT be quiet about it....SEEK HELP. Do not ignore the elephant in the room, don't let their pain boomerang back to you or your inner circle. Its okay to get counseling...its okay to go to the doctor...its okay to TELL SOMEONE. When I say this stuff on twitter [facebook] I'm speaking to myself as well...and since I know most of yall I expect you to hold me to my word.
If you dont pick up anything from this note at least remember this: speak life on those around you....its a torch while we walk in the valley of the shadow of death. Someone needs your light besides yourself; no man is an island.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Broken Glass in a Tiffany's Box
Okay, before you continue on reading...please wipe the puzzled look off of your faces lol. The title of the blog will be explained as the post progresses.
Now Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately (when am I not doing a lot of thinking?) and I have some questions and thoughts that need some clarity. I'm confused, alarmed, stumped, and inquisitive. About what you say? About us WOMEN.
We all hear the stories of our Black women settling and not demanding higher of themselves; theres also the woman with the battered self esteem who seems to be the butt of everyone's ridicule and jokes. Maybe its just me but it seems to be a bit TOO common nowadays! Low self esteem seems to be an epidemic in the community where some REFUSE to acknowledge their illness. And its not just the women who come from poverty and "physically" broken homes....other social brackets are feeling it too. Its become common knowledge now that there are far more women than there are men in the United States and for the girl who has already preplanned how she wants her life to go (uh-oh!) this puts a bit strain on her goals. Most girls dream of getting their dream job, dream home. and the dream man and kids to go with it...well if the ratio of women to men is 8:1 (hypothetically speaking)then she has to worry about 4 other women with the same dreams, 2 who are ruining this man because of the men in the past, and 1 maneater. Does the possession of this knowledge help or hurt the woman's expectations in her future man? It can do both. A woman in hot pursuit (dont front like youre NOT on a set timeline to get married and have children) of the Mrs. and Mommy title will ameliorate her qualifications so that she will stand out against the other women. Orrrr, she can become pessimistic in her search, give up, and settle for the next man who encounters her. Its a good number of intelligent and beautiful women settling and permitting the actions of a mentally juvenile man to affect their lives because of fear of being "alone". Should the pointing of fingers commence after this has been realized? I mean, who really is at fault for these women feeling like they are nothing but broken glass in a Tiffany's box? We all know for most that inside of those "Tiffany's boxes" (the outward presentation of the woman: beautiful, demanding of reverance) contain "diamonds" (their personality and soul) that once the light of God (or whichever deity you worship) hits it an array of colors and wonders shine throughout the world. But they don't feel it. Lets be honest, if you keep running into malevolent individuals whose sole purpose is to deceive you and milk you of your good spirits after a while some negative feelings towards that group of people begin to harbor in your mind and if prolonged...your heart (hence the phrases "whats wrong with men nowadays?" and "n*ggas aint sh*t"). Should the woman be to blame for allowing these individuals to possess such power over her self-worth? Women are expected to know their self-worth; how can this be acquired if they were never properly taught how to love themselves? Self-worth isnt innate; if that were so then we wouldnt EVEN be having this discussion. Is it Daddy's fault for being absent (physically and/or emotionally) for not assuring his daughter that she is indeed beautiful and hipping her to the mindsets and actions of the opposite sex? *Sidebar: I brought up the emotional aspect of absenteeism because a lot of people seem to think that because both parents are in their lives that there is adequate support to raise a child properly. Thats like saying because you have a pitcher of water just sitting in a greenhouse that the plants are being taken care of. NOT TRUE.* Is it the mother's fault for not assuring the daughter that her existence should not be validated by the presence of a male in her life? Some women in a relationship where children are involved are not even aware of their OWN self-worth, so how can she teach her child that? Or is it the men who continuously harp on the emotional weaknesses of these women who are to blame? Can just one group be to blame for this plight? With the constant name callings of "whore", "slut", "basic b*tch", and "b*tch", is society's ridicule alerting the individuals of their internal problems or does it increase the denial amongst the "hidden" parties to avoid coming to terms with their ways (Lets be honest, again. In every group of female friends there is the one who thinks highly of herself because she believes it and the other girl who APPEARS to think highly of herself but "secretly" commits the actions of a "desperate woman" and doesn't want to be ridiculed by her friends and society). People front like they havent had a bout with their self esteem before; should those who constantly hash these names out take a good look in the mirror before calling names? UGH! I dunno...
In conclusion, I truly hope my thoughts came across clearly to you all because I am seeking ideas and solutions from you. My intentions with information and subjects like this is to form my own non-profit organization that prides itself on building the self esteem and self-worth of individuals so that in turn they can build families of children with a healthy mindset of who they are and what theyre worth. Right now Im in the research stage because I want to understand FULLY what the problem is so that my organization can provide feasible and productive solutions. Being that Ive struggled/am struggling with low self-esteem and feelings of self-worthlessness I wish to chronicle my thoughts and actions during the struggles so that once I am delivered my testimony can be someone elses motivation to strive for better things and mindsets. But anywho, I really would like to see some discussion come from this. Keep in mind that what may be common sense to you is NOT common sense to someone else, so even if the points made here or by someone else may seem like old news please continue to offer your opinion and solution on it. Thanks.
Now Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately (when am I not doing a lot of thinking?) and I have some questions and thoughts that need some clarity. I'm confused, alarmed, stumped, and inquisitive. About what you say? About us WOMEN.
We all hear the stories of our Black women settling and not demanding higher of themselves; theres also the woman with the battered self esteem who seems to be the butt of everyone's ridicule and jokes. Maybe its just me but it seems to be a bit TOO common nowadays! Low self esteem seems to be an epidemic in the community where some REFUSE to acknowledge their illness. And its not just the women who come from poverty and "physically" broken homes....other social brackets are feeling it too. Its become common knowledge now that there are far more women than there are men in the United States and for the girl who has already preplanned how she wants her life to go (uh-oh!) this puts a bit strain on her goals. Most girls dream of getting their dream job, dream home. and the dream man and kids to go with it...well if the ratio of women to men is 8:1 (hypothetically speaking)then she has to worry about 4 other women with the same dreams, 2 who are ruining this man because of the men in the past, and 1 maneater. Does the possession of this knowledge help or hurt the woman's expectations in her future man? It can do both. A woman in hot pursuit (dont front like youre NOT on a set timeline to get married and have children) of the Mrs. and Mommy title will ameliorate her qualifications so that she will stand out against the other women. Orrrr, she can become pessimistic in her search, give up, and settle for the next man who encounters her. Its a good number of intelligent and beautiful women settling and permitting the actions of a mentally juvenile man to affect their lives because of fear of being "alone". Should the pointing of fingers commence after this has been realized? I mean, who really is at fault for these women feeling like they are nothing but broken glass in a Tiffany's box? We all know for most that inside of those "Tiffany's boxes" (the outward presentation of the woman: beautiful, demanding of reverance) contain "diamonds" (their personality and soul) that once the light of God (or whichever deity you worship) hits it an array of colors and wonders shine throughout the world. But they don't feel it. Lets be honest, if you keep running into malevolent individuals whose sole purpose is to deceive you and milk you of your good spirits after a while some negative feelings towards that group of people begin to harbor in your mind and if prolonged...your heart (hence the phrases "whats wrong with men nowadays?" and "n*ggas aint sh*t"). Should the woman be to blame for allowing these individuals to possess such power over her self-worth? Women are expected to know their self-worth; how can this be acquired if they were never properly taught how to love themselves? Self-worth isnt innate; if that were so then we wouldnt EVEN be having this discussion. Is it Daddy's fault for being absent (physically and/or emotionally) for not assuring his daughter that she is indeed beautiful and hipping her to the mindsets and actions of the opposite sex? *Sidebar: I brought up the emotional aspect of absenteeism because a lot of people seem to think that because both parents are in their lives that there is adequate support to raise a child properly. Thats like saying because you have a pitcher of water just sitting in a greenhouse that the plants are being taken care of. NOT TRUE.* Is it the mother's fault for not assuring the daughter that her existence should not be validated by the presence of a male in her life? Some women in a relationship where children are involved are not even aware of their OWN self-worth, so how can she teach her child that? Or is it the men who continuously harp on the emotional weaknesses of these women who are to blame? Can just one group be to blame for this plight? With the constant name callings of "whore", "slut", "basic b*tch", and "b*tch", is society's ridicule alerting the individuals of their internal problems or does it increase the denial amongst the "hidden" parties to avoid coming to terms with their ways (Lets be honest, again. In every group of female friends there is the one who thinks highly of herself because she believes it and the other girl who APPEARS to think highly of herself but "secretly" commits the actions of a "desperate woman" and doesn't want to be ridiculed by her friends and society). People front like they havent had a bout with their self esteem before; should those who constantly hash these names out take a good look in the mirror before calling names? UGH! I dunno...
In conclusion, I truly hope my thoughts came across clearly to you all because I am seeking ideas and solutions from you. My intentions with information and subjects like this is to form my own non-profit organization that prides itself on building the self esteem and self-worth of individuals so that in turn they can build families of children with a healthy mindset of who they are and what theyre worth. Right now Im in the research stage because I want to understand FULLY what the problem is so that my organization can provide feasible and productive solutions. Being that Ive struggled/am struggling with low self-esteem and feelings of self-worthlessness I wish to chronicle my thoughts and actions during the struggles so that once I am delivered my testimony can be someone elses motivation to strive for better things and mindsets. But anywho, I really would like to see some discussion come from this. Keep in mind that what may be common sense to you is NOT common sense to someone else, so even if the points made here or by someone else may seem like old news please continue to offer your opinion and solution on it. Thanks.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
WTF is Going ON?!
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in anger and frustration, so the diction and tone of this piece may come across as crude and offensive. Get OVER it. For those who think this reveals "too much" about me, click the X and go about your business. Lastly, for those who decide to judge me off of the content in this blog, there are special pockets in Hell for you to rot in. Now onto business...
2009 has been the year of disappointments and harsh struggles for me. In August 2008 I had a 3.44 GPA, an apartment, a job, mental peace, and I earned an officer position in an organization on campus. I went into the academic year ready to knock my goals out of the park and graduate in December 09. Ever since the first day of classes everything has went downhill. All of that which I've listed is GONE. Graduation is now May 2010, I've been unemployed for 2 months, I broke my lease since someone decided to burglarize the joint 30 minutes after I leave one night, the GPA is a 2.97, and I've been in counseling since October with SOME progress.
I've been a Christian all of my life, but I re-established my relationship with God in February. I felt like I was finally achieving some peace. Then my roommate bailed out on the apt and owes me 2 grand (I've attempted to sue her but she gave me the wrong address. Until I get some more money to pay for court fees the lawsuit has to wait). Two weeks after she leaves my apartment was broken into and the person stole the laptop and wireless router and left everything else untouched. I moved back home into a hostile environment while paying 2 grand in bills and rent by myself. I was stressed beyond reason along with dealing with a toxic man who continued the trend of disrespect I've experienced from males. Not being able to handle it all I withdrew from school for the rest of the semester still holding on to hopes that I can do summer school and graduate in 09. FAIL. I needed 1250 to pay for the rest and couldn't get it. On top of that I got fired from that raggedy *ss call center job and was left job hunting all summer.
Like WTF?! There has NEVER been a time in my working life where I would apply somewhere and NOT get considered. How do I apply for over 15 positions in my area and not get hired by ANY?! I even had worked for that company before and left on the best of terms, you mean to tell me I can't work for you?! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?! I've been broke all summer with the exception of a few dollars lent to me by the mother, I CANNOT continue to live like this! On top of that my mom is downsizing her living expenses....in other words...I'm getting put out of the house. I have 3 weeks to find a job and a place to stay so I can get back on the grind and graduate smoothly and by the looks of things this is not gonna happen. Both of my parents are struggling themselves so I can't really depend on them for support.
I feel like I'm watching the straw fall on the camel's back. I see why people are so high strung now, they're stressed! If I was a bit weaker I wouldve snapped a long time ago...but if things keep going like this I just might. I've been encouraging myself (hence the facebook statuses and positive tweets among other things) and it seems to not work. Its like I'm getting frustrated with God. Naw don't say I shouldn't say that I'm being completely HONEST right now. I've been praying, reading the Word, meditating on it and keeping up the faith but I'm seeing/feeling NO results from it. What am I doing wrong? I don't mean to rush You but exactly WHEN will I start reaping the benefits of knowing You?! I don't want to be mad with God but I'm starting to feel like this whole thing might be purposeless. If I've done something/someone wrong PLEASE point it out so that I can correct it and get my life back. I'm one more denied application from losing it, where is my help? I've been trying to fend for myself for the longest and nothing is working in my favor. Maybe some of you seasoned Christians can help me see things past my frustration because I'm losing hope that anything positive will turn up of my circumstances.
Again I say, WTF is going on?!
2009 has been the year of disappointments and harsh struggles for me. In August 2008 I had a 3.44 GPA, an apartment, a job, mental peace, and I earned an officer position in an organization on campus. I went into the academic year ready to knock my goals out of the park and graduate in December 09. Ever since the first day of classes everything has went downhill. All of that which I've listed is GONE. Graduation is now May 2010, I've been unemployed for 2 months, I broke my lease since someone decided to burglarize the joint 30 minutes after I leave one night, the GPA is a 2.97, and I've been in counseling since October with SOME progress.
I've been a Christian all of my life, but I re-established my relationship with God in February. I felt like I was finally achieving some peace. Then my roommate bailed out on the apt and owes me 2 grand (I've attempted to sue her but she gave me the wrong address. Until I get some more money to pay for court fees the lawsuit has to wait). Two weeks after she leaves my apartment was broken into and the person stole the laptop and wireless router and left everything else untouched. I moved back home into a hostile environment while paying 2 grand in bills and rent by myself. I was stressed beyond reason along with dealing with a toxic man who continued the trend of disrespect I've experienced from males. Not being able to handle it all I withdrew from school for the rest of the semester still holding on to hopes that I can do summer school and graduate in 09. FAIL. I needed 1250 to pay for the rest and couldn't get it. On top of that I got fired from that raggedy *ss call center job and was left job hunting all summer.
Like WTF?! There has NEVER been a time in my working life where I would apply somewhere and NOT get considered. How do I apply for over 15 positions in my area and not get hired by ANY?! I even had worked for that company before and left on the best of terms, you mean to tell me I can't work for you?! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?! I've been broke all summer with the exception of a few dollars lent to me by the mother, I CANNOT continue to live like this! On top of that my mom is downsizing her living expenses....in other words...I'm getting put out of the house. I have 3 weeks to find a job and a place to stay so I can get back on the grind and graduate smoothly and by the looks of things this is not gonna happen. Both of my parents are struggling themselves so I can't really depend on them for support.
I feel like I'm watching the straw fall on the camel's back. I see why people are so high strung now, they're stressed! If I was a bit weaker I wouldve snapped a long time ago...but if things keep going like this I just might. I've been encouraging myself (hence the facebook statuses and positive tweets among other things) and it seems to not work. Its like I'm getting frustrated with God. Naw don't say I shouldn't say that I'm being completely HONEST right now. I've been praying, reading the Word, meditating on it and keeping up the faith but I'm seeing/feeling NO results from it. What am I doing wrong? I don't mean to rush You but exactly WHEN will I start reaping the benefits of knowing You?! I don't want to be mad with God but I'm starting to feel like this whole thing might be purposeless. If I've done something/someone wrong PLEASE point it out so that I can correct it and get my life back. I'm one more denied application from losing it, where is my help? I've been trying to fend for myself for the longest and nothing is working in my favor. Maybe some of you seasoned Christians can help me see things past my frustration because I'm losing hope that anything positive will turn up of my circumstances.
Again I say, WTF is going on?!
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